Mr Lonely

Lately i've been missing Judy a lot. Every night as i lay on my bed, trying to get my eyes shut, her face would appear in front of me. i would then miss the sweet scent she had on her body. i would miss her warmth as my arms wrapped around her hugging her from behind. i would miss gently kissing her soft lips as i brush her hair off her face. But when i open my eyes, she is just not here.

It is now someone else's arm wrapping around her. Someone else's lips kissing hers. Not mine, not anymore.

Jacob

Going Down

It was Judy's birthday when we went out for a simple celebration. There was shoe shopping, and then there was dinner, and the night ended on a pleasurable note.

On my way sending Judy home, she unzipped me and freed my semi-erected cock. She stroke it a little bit just to see how i would react before pulling my foreskin all the way down exposing the head. She knows how to do magic with my cock because with only her thumb, my cock was throbbing hard and soaking wet with my pre-cum. She would spread my juice around the head, occasionally licking it off her fingers. I was so turned-on by that. When she had enough torturing me with her hand, she bended over while i was still driving a moving vehicle, and gently suck on my cock. Gently, slowly but surely before she would suck on it rough and i would have to stop her before i cum. i hadn't had enough yet, i'm not so ready to cum just yet.

i missed pleasing her as much as her working her magic on me. i found a dark & quiet spot before i stopped the car, off the ignition & light, locked the door and move over to start kissing her on her soft & luscious lips. i'm sure i had said this before but Judy was damn good a kisser. While we were kissing, i could feel my cock dripping of more pre-cum. i couldn't help but scoop it up with my finger and put it into my mouth before continuing kissing Judy. My right hand was holder her left, but slowly i move my hand to touch her face. Sweeping her hair off from the side of her cheek to the back of her ear, i slowly move lower to kiss her neck. She smelled great. Her scent turned me on even further, as i start to grope her firm breast over her dress. After awhile, i slipped my hand under her dress to feel her breast and pinch her nipple. She loved it when i does that. I lifted her dress up high enough so i could suck on her erected nipples. Her moaning was music to my ear.

While i suck her nipples from the left one to the right one, i started petting her pussy. i've always knew how she liked that done. Judy was drenching as my middle finger twirls around her bean. She was so wet i could hear water splashed with every single movement of my hand. Gently, i slid my middle finger into her love cave. It was warm with sweet, love juice. i knew it was sweet because i tasted it. i asked if she liked me to finger her, she said yes. So i continued to finger her slowly, with my thumb still flicking her bean. Judy was moaning so loudly i was sure she could be heard from outside the car. i didn't stop, in fact i moved my pinky into her anal. She made sure i didn't stop, by holding my hand firm to her pussy while trying to control the rhythm.

i waited the whole night but finally i had the chance to go down on her. She was already wet all over from the fingering, but i'd love to make her cum with my tongue. i always start gently by light kissing, followed my gently sucking before the actual tonging. i would normally reach my tongue to her spot, hold it there with small movements as if it was flicking her beans with my finger but more subtle. i know she loved it when her back arched slowly, higher and higher, and her moan became completely silent. That is when i would pause for a moment to slurp off her juice from her love cave before continuing.

When it was finally my turn, Judy was all fired up. i had to admit, it only took Judy a couple of minutes to finish me off. i tried real hard to hold it in but she knows how to make me cum. She even remarked that i really had not cum for awhile since i just offload a lot of cum.

i asked her why can't we have sex. She said she's not ready yet. She had someone else in her life right now, and i think i'm already stepping on the line with what we are doing. i  don't want to make things harder than they already are right now, so i try not to cross the line too much. This happened a couple of weeks back, but i only had time to tell the story now. i miss Judy dearly.

Jacob

When You're Gone

After you are gone, my cock had been facing depression for a long, long time. Up until that day we had a brief moment where your lips kisses the tip of my cock. That brief moment where my hardened cock was gently sucked on. That brief moment where my hardened cock was lubricated by your saliva as you move up and down on my shaft while your tongue hitting me on all the right places. That one brief moment was really a great moment. My cock was no longer as depress as it is before that, although i did hope that you would finish me that day. But of course, it was a brief moment and that's all.

i'm happy we're still seeing each other from time to time, although the intimacy had been greatly reduced. However, being able to hold your hands, to kiss your cheek, to hug you close to me seems to be much satisfying than before. Maybe because i miss you more? Maybe because you are with someone else now? Maybe because i'm going out of my mind?

Somehow or rather, i still don't feel that my cock is as happy still. It looks sad, frail, unexcited. Will you cure me of my depression?

Jacob

A Sweet Good Night Kiss

i drove up to Judy's house after coming back from a drink with a friend. She got into my car and we drove around the blocks just chit-chatting. i missed her a lot over the weekends. i saw her pictures on Facebook, with the new boyfriend. Judy was absolutely beautiful. Her hair was perfect, her dress just look stunning on her.

All i wanted was to see her, and kiss her good night. Mission accomplished. The kiss was very sweet. So is my Judy, beautiful as ever with her hair tied up that night. She told me she was sorry to make me feel this way. i told her this is more than i could ask from her, with her having a boyfriend but us still very much involved.

After the kiss, Judy asked me, "Is this enough for you?"
"No, but this is all that i can ask for."

We hugged. i don't feel like letting go. i miss her scent. i miss her in my arms. i miss our lips touching. i miss her.

Jacob

Making Out

Our relationship is weird now. We still meet each other almost everyday. We still kiss everytime we meet. Don't get me wrong, i love seeing her again, and i love kissing her sweet, soft lips.

It was just the other day, we met up for high-tea. We sat and chat for some time, and after getting the bill, both of us had the need to visit the washroom. It wasn't planned on, i really needed to pee. When i'm done, Judy too just finished her business. i have no idea why, i went into the ladies, close the door & lock it behind me. i walked up to Judy, grab her waist and pushed her to the wall. We started kissing each other. It was so passionate i almost fainted. My hands were grabbing her firm E-cup breast, while letting her know my cock was hard from this. I move the other hand into her shorts, and start fingering her spot the way she liked it.

The sad part is, that's it. Nothing happened afterwards. Neither of us got naked. We did not had sex. No eating each other out. Probably because we were in a public toilet, mind you a ladies toilet. But most probably because deep down inside i know that Judy wanted to be a good girlfriend. She is attached now. Again and again i have mentioned that i don't want to screw up her happiness, but times and times again i did compromising stuffs together with her.

Did i do wrong? Does enjoying the company of each other made us cheating on our spouse? Is it OK if we kissed, does that made us bad people?

Jacob

Acceptance

i gave myself a time frame to get myself out from my pathetic state i was in for the past month or so. Yesterday was that day, and i am still adjusting myself. But i am glad that this day had finally came.

So what is different? i was practically moping over the fact that she is with someone else now. Someone who is more good looking. Someone who is more successful career wise. But most importantly, someone whom she can bring home to show her mom. Someone whom she can carry his name with. Someone who can gave her all the things she wanted that i could not. Every time i tried looking for her and she is with him, i would sulk, i would feel gloomy about it, i would dawdle around aimlessly, i would suddenly become this pathetic little fella which i, myself hate to see. Come this day, i have decided that i have to accept this fact. Why should i feel that way? If she is happy now, i should be too. Right?

What else is different? Nothing. Just that. Accepting the fact that she now has someone else and i should not bear grudge or hatred towards her. Instead i should feel happy for her, and wish her happiness. That is how much i love her. That is the least i could do, not to screw-up her happiness that is.

Does that mean i don't love her anymore? i can't stop loving her, well at least not for now. And if there is a next life, i would want her mine then too. But loving her at this moment also mean i should not screw things up with the new boyfriend. Got to stay some distance away. That may be best for the both of us. At least that will be the best for her.


Jacob

Good Friday?

Friday night and i'm alone in my room, feeling lonely and pathetic over myself. Am i really that bad? Don't i have friends i can find? Why am i being alone by myself tonight? What's wrong with me?

All sorts of crazy questions come to mind when you are down. I mean i'm almost rock-bottom down since the break-up, so i've been thinking lots of crazy shit for a couple weeks now. Emotional swing is the most prominent proof that i am not OK at all.

It's sad that this blog had become a place for me to vent out my frustration. This place was supposed to be a place to record all those good memories i had with Judy. And now what had it become? A pathetic emo blog. Maybe i should stop doing this. Maybe i should stay away. Maybe i should just let go. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

Oh, how my heart longed for your comfort, how my body longed for your warmth, how my lips longed for your kiss. All too late now. Got to let do.

Jacob

I'm the April's Fool

It's been a month since our breakup. It's been a most painful month. A month where i have to constantly wear a mask wherever i go to hide my despair, so that no one will ever know that i am hurting deep down inside, so that no one will find out the story of this forbidden love. i have got no one to talk to, i have got no one to share this feeling with. That's why i'm writing a post here, at least i know my head will not explode from over-thinking this problem.

It's been a month since our breakup. Which also means it's been a  month since you're with him. Everytime this comes into picture, i lost all ability to think. My mind went blank for a moment, my vision blurred, my hands trembled, my heart went pounding. It feels almost like time went by too fast and i can't cope with it. All these feeling i cannot control over, but that doesn't mean i don't wish you happiness. i am truly happy that you have found your real happiness in a relationship. You have finally found someone who has a good career, who is quite good looking, someone everyone says is a good guy, someone you can bring home and show your mom, someone you can go out with and can be seen in public and introduced as your boyfriend. This is all what you wanted, so i'm truly happy for you to have own all these now.

It's been a month since our breakup. i'm not a better person as you would expect me to be. My temper flared more often, my patience level dropped drastically, i'm not as happy as i used to be, everything i see turns into a negative thing even though it is a happy scenario. But this is none of your business anymore. You can't do anything about it. In fact i don't want you to do anything about it. You have your own life now, so stick with it. i don't want to be the reason that screw up your happiness again.

Jacob

The Thin Red Line

Some people told me, there is a thin red line in between love and hate. i disagree for most part of it. The opposite of love must not necessarily be hate. It is definitely not something good of course, but to hate, i don't think so.

That thin red line should be separating the feeling of love, and the feeling of a stranger. If you swing to one extreme, and you can't hold on when you are there, you will swing all the way to the other extreme of becoming strangers with each other. You don't know what to talk to her. You get pissed off easily by the slightest disagreement. Slowly you drift apart from her. And both of you, once in love so deeply with each other, become strangers again.

i think this feeling is worst than hate. Hating someone, you still have a tinge of feeling towards that person. You're probably hating that person because of some misunderstanding. The feeling of becoming strangers. That's it! You're done for! There will be no relation whatsoever in between the two of you anymore. Period. The end.

You always say, this breakup i've never shed a tear. That means i'm not that sad. Maybe you are right. Maybe you're wrong. But i can tell you, it hurt like hell deep inside of me. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart with his bare hands so it can't pump normally. It feels like there's cotton balls in my lung so i can't breathe properly. It feels like nails in my stomach so it stings every time i move. It sure hurt like hell, what i'm feeling inside. But no, there are no tear drops from my eyes.

Jacob

Emotionally Attached

The past two weeks, my mood swing was like a ride on a roller coaster, only not as fun and twice as dreadful. i could flare out for no apparent reason at someone who is completely innocent or i could sit there the whole day with my face pulled so long it might have touched the floor.

After the breakup, things did not get any better. Only 3 weeks after that, Judy told me she has a new boyfriend now. i was furious, my brain felt kind of like a volcanic eruption, and a huge tsunami wave come crashing into my cerebellum. i could literally feel the heat at the back of my head when she told me. This news didn't help at all with the break-up. Being alone for a couple of days, i would think is it because of this new guy she broke up with me? Or is she just playing me? Or did i do something wrong? Or is she hiding something from me?

The more i think, the more i got myself worked-up, the more terrifying my mood became. i had no one to talk to about this, i had no where i could go, i have no idea at all what i can do. i felt like i was at the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Yesterday we talked about all the stuffs we never talked about for the past one and a half years being together. We talked about my wife. We talked about her new boyfriend. We talked about us. What had been and what would be of us. Only after a month of mental torturing myself with all the nonsensical questions, finally i could open up myself and talked to Judy properly.

This morning when i woke up, day light seems to be brighter, the bird's chirping seems so melodious. No more volcanic eruption. No more huge tsunami wave. No more mental torture. No more stress. i'm really glad we had the talk last night, i really wish you happiness in your life from here now onwards, for you deserve the best things in life. Yes, it hurts me to know that someone else will be taking care of you instead in my place, and someone else will be putting that beautiful smile on your face everyday, but it hurts me more to know if you are not living your life in the happiest manner.

You told me you needed someone who can take care of you when you are in trouble, someone you can bring home to show mom, someone whom you can marry and depend on for the rest of your life, someone who will love you more than anything else in the world. i know i am not able to do that for you. Now that he will be able to do this, i wish you all the best in life. But remember this, i will always be there for you, be it rain or shine, i will always be there for you. Keep our promises, not to vanish completely in each others life.

Jacob