Today was a dark day for me. Judy broke it up with me. i've been a complete idiot not seeing this coming my way. Why the break up? Not because of quarreling. Not because we are bored with each other. Not because things didn't go the right way.
We went out for lunch after i hadn't seen her for a whole week. i needed to see her desperately, i missed Judy so much. After having our meals, Judy started telling me how she felt our relationship is going. She can't accept to continue on our relationship once my baby is born. She doesn't want to be the reason i'm not a good father, not a good husband.
I saw tears flowing from her teary eyes. i could do nothing. i didn't want us to end, because i really loved Judy. Listening to her logic, i understand the need to. I've been really selfish all this while. I've left Judy feeling like a mistress. I left her crying alone many times at night. I wasn't there for her at all every single time she needed me. Judy told me all this, and i felt useless because i really had not realized how she felt at all. i've always thought that as long as we loved each other, that is enough. Obviously i've thought wrong. How i wish i could undo all the stupidity that i've done. If only i could manage our relationship in a more proper way. Then Judy would have more confidence in our relationship.
This is all my fault.
I told Judy i needed to spend one more intimate session with her before the final break up. The fact is i really don't want to do it anytime soon. Not because i don't want to, but because once we've done it, we're done for, and that will be the end of us. i will not be able to let go. i need more time to accept this inevitable fact, and when i know i'm ready to let go, then this intimate session will happen for one last time.